Tales of the Crazy: the Halloween Edition

Wow, it has been a long-ass time since I’ve posted anything. What a perfect time to start again, right? It’s Halloween. The day the veil is thin enough for the dead to walk among us. An excellent time to resurrect an old spirit.

But what to write about? Top Facts about Halloween is overdone. I’ve seen a ton of posts on the best movies to watch during the holiday. What could possibly stand out?

This. This came across my news feed and I knew it was meant to be. Demons wailed in appreciation. Vampires hissed their approval. I’d found my topic. Crazy pants Kirk Cameron. We’ll ignore the fact that he lumped the President of the United States in with demons. There’s not enough time in the world for me to explain how asinine this is. Instead, we’ll shake our heads in wonderment, unified in sanity, and dissect his bizarre and completely unfounded claims about Halloween.

Let’s jump straight to my favorite quote from the article:

“Over time you get some pagans who want to go this is our day, high holy day of Satanic church, that this is all about death, but Christians have always known since the first century that death was defeated, that the grave was overwhelmed, that ghosts, goblins, devils are foolish has-beens who used to be in power but not anymore.”

First of all, Cameron shows his ignorance by claiming pagans claim Halloween for a Satanic church. Satan is a Christian concept, one pagans don’t believe in. By definition, a pagan is “a follower of any of various contemporary religions that are based on the worship of nature or the Earth.” I mean good gawd, the Wiccan faction of paganism has what is called the Wiccan Rede: “An it harm none, do what ye will.” They sound like real evil bastards, don’t they?

Secondly, “…Christians have ALWAYS known since THE FIRST CENTURY…” ::scratches head:: So have they always known, or was this knowledge magically implanted in their noggins in the first century? I’m confused.

Further down in the article, Cameron encourages people to have the biggest party they can to “tell the story of how every ghost, goblin, witch and demon was trounced the day Jesus rose from the grave”. Yes, Kirk. This explains why the Salem Witch Trials happened. Because all the witches were “trounced” back in the first century. Makes total sense. This must also mean that all those exorcisms performed by Catholic priests were done simply to inspire horror films, right? Sounds legit.

I feel almost bad picking apart his article. Obviously, the man is short a few colors in his coloring box. Asking for him to make sense would be like asking a dog to drive a car – it’s putting too much pressure on a being with a lower capacity for intelligence. Oh well. I’m going to hell anyway. Why not have a little fun on the way down?

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